Not long ago I went through a really dark time. It was about a six month stretch of being lost. Except I didn’t know I was lost while I was in it. I just knew that something felt wrong – and I was trying everything I knew to make that feeling go away. Trying harder, and every day feeling more adrift and dispirited. Trying harder, and every day losing touch with my peace and my world. Trying harder, and every day becoming more isolated and less Rena.
I was going to write about that. I was going to write about what it felt like to be lost. I was going to write about the way the people who I love the most responded and reacted when I was lost – when I was in the darkness. I was going to write about how they each took it personally and couldn’t see that it was only about me and my dark night of the soul.
“it was only about me and my dark night of the soul”
OMG. What a crock of self-important, dramatic bullshit that is.
Yeah – I’m calling bullshit on myself.
Of course they took it personally. I left them. I stopped participating in my closest relationships. I just wasn’t there anymore. I looked like I was there – but I wasn’t. I disappeared into my frantic inner world. Somehow I ended up on this wild ride – and I believed I was by myself.
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
I wasn’t by myself. They were with me.
And if I really take a hard look at it – if I’m really willing to look at myself – if I’m courageous enough to actually BE the woman I say I want to be – I see a picture that drops me to my knees. I’m not alone. They’re all there with me on the wild ride. We all look afraid. Some of us are throwing up. Some of us just look confused. All of our faces are tear-stained. And I see that it wasn’t “only about me”. It’s never “only about me”. Never. I’m embarrassed when I think that I had the arrogance to believe that it was “only about me” – even as recently as yesterday.
This whole journey to self awareness, wholeness and accountability is a real humility maker.
Dear God, please give me the courage to BE the woman I say I want to be today and every day. Amen.
**NOTE** Please see new post “BS on my BS about BS” December 2016 for a follow up